What I Want to Say

I wonder why it is so difficult to say no to people we don’t like. Why do we want to please everybody if not everybody please us anyway? How wrong is to say NO when we want to? With no excuses, no make up stories, no explanations…just, no…I don’t want it. I’ve been wondering a little bit about it because I’m so tired of being a people pleaser, and yes…I admit that I am one, and I actually do not want to be it anymore. I want to make people uncomfortable the same way they made me feel sometimes…I don’t want to give a fake smile every time someone says something that I do not like, I don’t want to say yes to things that I clearly don’t want to do it. I need to start respecting myself more. And then I think people that I don’t even care about will start respecting my limits as they should.

21/02/2023

I lied. I forgot about him really easily after that last text that I wrote and I’ll explain why. I figured that I was looking for someone that loved me the same way as I loved them, just like that, reciprocal. I was looking for someone to build something in life, not someone just to “hang out sometimes”, actually I was really tired of that. One of the worst things in a relationship is when you THINK you are building something with someone and the other person sees you just like a summer love. I didn’t want a summer love (even though they were fun when I was younger), now I wanted a summer, fall, winter and spring love. That lasts for years, forever (if that exists). And to be honest, I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore, even though I still love them, I wanted something magical, fun…where I could trust the person, where I could see a future with that person, and I promise I was not asking for something perfect, I was ready to take the complicated, the difficult, the jealousy, the discussions…by the end of the day I just wanted something REAL. And guess what? I got it. And now that I got it, I know that what I was expecting from someone was notimpossible or too much, I was just asking for the wrong people.

30/08/2022 11:15pm

I told you to stop talking to me because you told me that you liked me but didn’t know what you wanted. And I told you exactly what I wanted. I opened up myself like I’ve never done it before. I wished you a Merry Christmas and a happy new year and said, well…I know this is not the last time we are gonna talk to each other but I need you to stop doing what you doing because it’s hurting me a lot. I went travelling and when I got back you had sent me a postcard. I was confused between “omg this is so cute” and “what a fucking asshole”. I still can’t decide which one I think it fits you better. And you are still a question mark for me. Don’t worry. You don’t need to send me a postcard to remind me of you. I’m not forgetting any time soon.

04/01/2022

when I saw you again, I couldn’t explain what I felt. I thought it wasn’t real. I never felt that way before. You hugged me from behind at the train station in Paris and when I looked in your eyes I weirdly felt like I was home again after 4 months of feeling really lost. Sometimes I don’t really want to give you so much credit for the way I feel. That weekend that we spent together was like I was kinda living in a dream that I knew I would wake up. And I did. I can’t believe I’m gonna say it but this weekend in Paris was the best in France I had so far. And those 8 minutes that we had at the train station before the departure of my train were the worst. Now I have no idea if I’m gonna see you again.

19/12/2021

I wish this was the last time I would write about you. Actually, I don’t think I wrote so much about someone in my life. What is sad about that is that now, after a couple of months I don’t know what to think anymore. Yes, I miss you, but what exactly? If now I have no idea if what we lived was real or just a fucking lie. Sometimes I get so mad about everything…sometimes I just get so sad. Yesterday I was thinking that if I could choose just one person to visit the world with would be you. But based on what? Based on what I think we were, or based on the reality of the facts that probably I will never know the truth? You are a coward.

24 October 2021

I still look at our pictures, but not crying anymore. Sometimes I look at them and I miss those moments so much, I miss the person that I thought you were and I miss myself being so happy. It’s such a shame that everything is lost…we could have been so great together, we had so much to live and so much to see…I feel sorry for us. I feel so sorry that the best version of myself was not good enough for you. There is a picture that I took of you when we went back to the beach of our first day. Your eyes were saying so much…I believed so much in you and in your smile. I truly believed that you liked me. You were the best player in my life. But i guess we both lost the game.

24 september 2021

I’ve been having mixed feelings about you. Sometimes I just don’t understand what happened. Sometimes I feel fool for believing that this time was going to be different and that you really liked me. I know that you liked but, like you said, was not enough. Or was it? This time I wanted to believe more in actions than words, and literally you showed me a lot of good things…but I truly missed someone expressing their feeling through their mouths. That’s what you wanted from me. Always. Sometimes I feel fool yes, but deep down this is that last thing that I was. I just wanted to feel something different for once in my life, and I opened up myself like I’ve never done it before to anybody else. This is how important and special you were to me. I’m not losing anything. You are.

04 september 2021

Although a lot of things have changed since my last post in December, a lot of things are still the same. We are still in a lockdown and yes, I still get stressed out sometimes (or is it always?) BUT I feel like, somehow, I have a life outside. Outside of where I live, outside of my room, outside of myself. I have people (or is it just a person?) that makes everything easier and happier in the middle of this craziness. Having something to look forward to is everything that I need. And in this moment, this thing is you.

And it’s snowing in April, what the fuck?

06/04/2021